Leaving Home...

I have always wondered how I would handle leaving my home and getting married.  I have always held the belief that once I am married, I need to cleave unto my husband and none else, just as the scriptures say.  That isn't to say that I will only talk to and spend time with him, but I do think that I will need to manage the time I spend with others, especially my mom.  My mom and I have always been very close, and sometimes I feel bad for not being home more to spend time with her (I know she gets lonely and misses me), but I have realized that I need to be comfortable being my own person and living my own life.  This week's readings helped assure me that I don't need to feel bad for moving ahead with my life and entering the stages of married life soon.  I can still show her my love and support without feeling bad for being physically apart from her sometimes.  

I also really appreciated the counsel about only discussing marital matters between the two of you as spouses.  Information and questions regarding your relationship should be kept within the bounds of your marriage, and I believe that because of this, your marriage will be strengthened as you work through problems together and with the Lord.  If it is needed, of course help can be asked from parents or a counselor, but they should not be approached before the individuals in the marriage work together to find solutions.  

The advice and information about money was also very helpful.  I have always been a little apprehensive about managing my money, especially when I am married.  I am not worried so much about spending too much as I am not knowing how to save the most effectively.  I thought that the studies about family status and how those relationships affect your money management was especially interesting; it just goes to show that the way you are raised and how you develop as a person directly affects almost every aspect of your life later on.  These topics were so important for me to learn more about as I enter the holiday season and begin learning how to manage different families and different financial circumstances.

One

I really enjoyed President Eyring's talk about becoming one, called "That We May Be One".  His words rang true as I read them.  I want to share this quote from his talk:  "Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity".  I love that he says that unity between hearts is necessary.  It's not just nice or something that can happen if we want it to, it is needed in this life and in the life to come.  I am so excited to be able to learn how to be more unified in love with my future spouse and with others around me throughout my life and in the eternities.  

Another quote from this talk made me think says, "Satan would tear us from loved ones and make us miserable. And it is he who plants the seeds of discord in human hearts in the hope that we might be divided and separate".  This quote reminds me of 2 Nephi 4: 26 and 27, which says:

"O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?"

This scripture has always been one of my favorites, because Nephi is frustrated due to his negative feelings.  It reminds me that we can all get upset sometimes, and those feelings of discord come from satan!  Just as soon as we feel closer than ever to our families, something seems to go wrong or something makes us angry.  Satan wants to tear families apart, especially ones that are unified and strong because of the love they have for one another.  But we don't have to let him control our feelings and allow his influence to make us sad - we can rely on the Savior to help us through and change our hearts.  I know that as I remember and do these things in my life, I will be able to be one with my spouse someday.  

Discoveries

The topics of Sexual Intimacy and Purity have always been ones that, until now, I never really knew could be talked about in helpful and informative ways.  I am really grateful that I am able to learn from several different church leaders and reliable sources about sexual intimacy.  It is so wonderful that as God's children, we are able to connect with another person on so many levels.  Heavenly Father is happy when we connect with our spouse emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I am excited for that relationship and for that level of trust within the bonds of a sealed and eternal marriage.  I know it will be a glorious relationship if treated with the reverence and the care that it deserves.  I have learned a lot about emotional fidelity and how we may be relying on others rather than only cleaving to our spouse, which can cause inappropriate relationships and bonds that should really only be reserved for our spouse.  It is really important to me that I be careful when I am married to make sure that I keep the relationship that was intended for my spouse and I between us.  The materials I studied this past week brought new light and meaning to sexual intimacy, and helped me realize that even this topic is okay to discuss with my spouse, just as any other aspect of the relationship.  It will be so helpful for me and my spouse to be able to share openly with one another on this subject when that time comes.

Righteous Desires...

As always, this week's reading material was exactly what I needed.  I loved Gottman's counsel about gridlock and how to overcome that treacherous trap through love and understanding.  I love that he tells us that we need to actually care about our spouse's hopes and dreams.  Even if they are not the same or even similar to your own, that doesn't diminish the fact that they still deeply matter to your spouse.  At my departing interview with my mission president when my mission came to a close, he advised me to ask anyone I was considering marrying two questions.  I was reminded of one of them as I read Gottman's words and as I read the words of the others in our discussion group.  He told me to ask my future husband if he was willing to make my righteous desires his righteous obsessions.  He told me that this is what he did with his wife, and every decision they made, they made together and with humility and care in their hearts.  He tried to help his wife attain her righteous desires in every decision they made together.  I thought that this question was very interesting at the time (I still do), but it makes a little more sense to me now.  I know that I need to marry someone who will care enough to try to understand my hopes and dreams and maybe even attempt to make them his hopes and dreams over time.  Of course I know that he won't be able to be perfect at this, or anything else for that matter, but that's okay.  In another one of my classes, we discussed relationships and how it is crucial that both partners are able to see that they need to improve in some ways and are willing to try to change.  If it is not possible to see the things that you need to work on, then it will not bode well for you marriage.  

As I read Goddard's words about charity, these two quotes stood out to me and I think that they relate to one another:

"Just as our feelings about God are a good measure of our faith, so our feelings about our companions are a reliable gauge to our personal worthiness" and "Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse.  It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other".  These two quotes help me realize that a lot of the time, the faults I find in others stem from my own inadequacies.  I know that everyone is trying to do their best, but sometimes it is easy to forget that.  As I try to become more like Christ and love in the way that He loves, I know that it will be hard, but so joyous when the time comes that I do have a perfect love for others.  I know that marriage will be the most important factor in helping me achieve charity. 

Consecration and Creativity

I really enjoyed some of Goddard's words about the Law of Consecration in his book, "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage".  It made so much sense to me that a marriage is such a transformative way of showing the Lord that we can consecrate ourselves and really sacrifice for someone else.  The following quote really stood out to me and basically sums up what I've learned so far:

"Consecration in marriage is not simply about receiving our entrance card to the Celestial Kingdom.  It's also about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably be living there.  This requires a transformation of character.  In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves"(pg. 105). 

Since I have gone to the Temple, I have realized that there is a lot more to "making it" to the Celestial Kingdom than I thought as I was growing up.  It's not that we scrape by and somehow end up there one day.  As Brad Wilcox put it: "We don't EARN heaven, we LEARN heaven".  This is so true!  As we go throughout our lives here on the earth, we are learning how to become more like our Heavenly Father step by step and day by day.  We don't earn our card into heaven like Goddard states, we learn and grow through experiences and other individuals how to love and become increasingly more humble.

"We are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls"(pg. 98).  

I know that this life is meant for us to learn how to become something greater…to become like Christ and to serve others, and marriage is such an important way to develop the attributes that will help us to feel comfortable in Heavenly Father's presence one day.  

 

Listening and Learning

As I was reading both texts by Goddard and Gottman, I felt the spirit testifying that really listening to one another and being humble enough to yield to each other is so important.  We need to ask more questions and talk a little less.  We have no idea what our spouse may be thinking or feeling, no matter how well or for how long we have known them.  Men and women are naturally different in the way that they communicate and connect with people, and I really enjoyed how Gottman talked about how women get together and automatically find out how their friends are feeling and what's been going on with them, and men simply like to just do things together.  It reminded me of a popular comedian, Brian Regan, who talks about this very thing!  I couldn't find any links where he talks about how he went golfing with his pal for about four hours, and when he came back home, his wife asked him how his pal was doing.  He replied that he was good, and his wife asked how he was doing since his divorce, to which he replied that it hadn't come up.  It's a lot funnier when he talks about it, but that's the gist.  It's so true that men and women relate to one another differently, but there are still many similarities between us that help us strengthen one another.  It definitely takes a lot of repentance and realizing that I'm not always right when faced with different people and situations, and I am so grateful that we have the Atonement to help us and strengthen us until we become the type of people that are easy to forgive others and not always irritated by things that we don't need to be irritated about.  Christ loves us enough to help us in our relationships if we will just turn to Him. 

Coincidence? I Think Not!

I really enjoyed reading from Goddard because of his discussion about how our lives aren't random coincidences.  Ever since I served my mission, I have developed a strong testimony that there are no such things as coincidences when you are on the Lord's errand.  I firmly believe that Heavenly Father leads and guides us to the right experiences with the right people, just as Goddard talked about.  My belief has been strengthened since I've been home from my mission as I have met others that were definitely meant to be in my life.  I am not married yet but I know that God will place someone in my life that I can be happy with for eternity (if He hasn't already done so).  Spouses are so important that I'm sure it's not just random who you end up with, even if you do have differences.  

I have learned so much recently about the purpose of marriage that is helping me to see more clearly why we are supposed to be sealed to someone forever.  It is not just about being in love and blissfully happy, even though I believe that that's possible, it is about loving someone and caring about them enough to turn towards them, work with their weaknesses and annoyances, and help them return to live with our Heavenly Father.  As we do this, we develop the kind of charity that we need to live with God again.  No wonder the highest kingdom of the Celestial Kingdom is meant for couples who have been sealed for eternity!  As we go throughout this life and experience sorrow, adversity, and trials, we learn how to become like our Heavenly Father, all the while sacrificing for our spouse and continuing to love them unconditionally through all of the pain and hardship.  I can't wait to be able to experience the joy of loving someone that much.