Coincidence? I Think Not!

I really enjoyed reading from Goddard because of his discussion about how our lives aren't random coincidences.  Ever since I served my mission, I have developed a strong testimony that there are no such things as coincidences when you are on the Lord's errand.  I firmly believe that Heavenly Father leads and guides us to the right experiences with the right people, just as Goddard talked about.  My belief has been strengthened since I've been home from my mission as I have met others that were definitely meant to be in my life.  I am not married yet but I know that God will place someone in my life that I can be happy with for eternity (if He hasn't already done so).  Spouses are so important that I'm sure it's not just random who you end up with, even if you do have differences.  

I have learned so much recently about the purpose of marriage that is helping me to see more clearly why we are supposed to be sealed to someone forever.  It is not just about being in love and blissfully happy, even though I believe that that's possible, it is about loving someone and caring about them enough to turn towards them, work with their weaknesses and annoyances, and help them return to live with our Heavenly Father.  As we do this, we develop the kind of charity that we need to live with God again.  No wonder the highest kingdom of the Celestial Kingdom is meant for couples who have been sealed for eternity!  As we go throughout this life and experience sorrow, adversity, and trials, we learn how to become like our Heavenly Father, all the while sacrificing for our spouse and continuing to love them unconditionally through all of the pain and hardship.  I can't wait to be able to experience the joy of loving someone that much.  

Expectations

I believe that the things I have been learning by the spirit was revelation from God specifically for me in my life right now.  I loved this quote that Goddard mentioned from Tzvetan Todorov: 

"To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one's time and energy for that person.  It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one's efforts, not poorer." 

I absolutely loved this quote and it made perfect sense to me!  I have been struggling this past week in my relationships trying to feel truly happy and fulfilled.  I have been focusing a lot on unrealistic expectations that I have of others and how I think they should be acting towards me, and that just isn't right if I want to be Christ-like and develop His kind of love for others.  Goddard says later that "rather than fill ourselves with indignation and demands, we turn to kindness and respect".  As I was pondering about why I have been feeling unhappy and unsatisfied lately, and as I read these things, it struck me that I need to be humble.  I need to see the good in others and serve them with all of my heart.  As I was reading Gottman's chapters, that revelation was reaffirmed to me, and I am resolved to be less demanding of others and more accepting of their strengths AND weaknesses, and if they care about and love me, that should be enough to satisfy all of my crazy expectations.  I know I won't be perfect at it right away, but I am excited to start trying to change the way I perceive my relationships. 

Contempt, Complaint, Criticism, Confined

I love reading Gottman's research on married couples!  I was glued to his book and really enjoyed reading his findings about why and how married couples argue and have conflict.  As I was reading I could totally relate to the four horsemen based on my parents' relationship and their relationship with me.  I could see instances where they and I myself engaged in criticizing, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.  I had a lot of experiences growing up when I felt flooded by my dad and subsequently I would always stonewall him and my mom as well.  I knew at the time that this probably wasn't the best solution to their words since I knew they were trying to help me, but my family is also very sarcastic, so that didn't help very much either.  I am not trying to blame my parents for anything, but I can see that relationships really do have these issues.  I also admit that I have these issues as well, and I am going to start now to become better at really caring for others in my relationships and trying to understand them.  I loved reading that just "communicating better" won't fix a marriage, even though when I first started reading Gottman's philosophy it was startling to hear that just listening more doesn't help very much.  I can definitely see how having a deep friendship underlying the marriage could really benefit both people in the relationship.  You have to be kind to those you love!

I saw Fireproof several years ago and thought that it was pretty intense, but watching it in the context of Gottman and Goddard's books, it was so interesting to see the physical and emotional stress that conflict causes.  It fascinates me how humans eventually shut down when they are under too much stress.  I saw this in my own life growing up, and sometimes now when I am under a lot of stress.  I love learning about these things because they help me to realize why people in my life act in certain ways, and also why I do certain things as well.  

I just recently started dating my boyfriend pretty seriously, and we are trying to figure out how to help each other and get along with our differences.  I tell him a lot about this class and what it is teaching me, which is such a blessing to our relationship.  It makes it easier for me to explain to him why I may be defensive about certain things and why I may not want to talk about issues because I feel flooded.  He is really patient and understanding, and is always open to suggestions and new ways to help our relationship and me.  I am trying my best to remember the four horsemen in my daily interactions with him and others – not necessarily to avoid them, but to work with them.  I’m not sure if I should avoid them, or if that is possible for me right now, but I am trying my best to remind myself that these behaviors are normal, and that the feelings behind them are valid.  I am so grateful to have learned about this, and I can tell that just being aware of the four horsemen will help me to be more conscientious for the rest of my life.  

Temple Covenants

I always enjoy learning more about the Temple and the covenants we can make there.  I know that the talks I have read are true, and that the principles taught about the Priesthood are correct.  I especially like the point made that the Priesthood can be extended to women.  I love that the sealing covenant binds men and women together for time and all eternity, and that this covenant strengthens individuals and couples when kept.  I think it is so interesting that in the world today, almost anyone can have the "authority" to marry couples.  Anyone can get married and anyone can marry them, but in the gospel of Jesus Christ, couples are sealed by one who has the Priesthood authority of God.  The bond between man and woman made in the Temple can only get stronger as they come closer together and closer to God.  I have felt the power of the Priesthood in my own life being strengthened after receiving my endowment in the  House of the Lord.  I know that those specific covenants and the strength that comes from them is real.  As I was reading the different articles, the thought kept coming to mind that I wouldn't want my future family to operate in any way other than through the gospel.  I want my family to have the Priesthood in our home and the blessings of the Temple to uplift us throughout our lives. 

Feelings about Gay Marriage and Charity

I really enjoyed reading material on defending the sanctity of marriage.  I know that we as members of the church, and as disciples of Christ, need to defend the role of marriage.  One of my best friends is gay and is also a member of the church.  He still believes in and wants to stay in the church, and he is such an amazing example to me.  He has such a strong testimony not only in words, but in who he is.  Anyone can see that he is striving to be better, and that he stands up for what he believes.  I strongly believe that we need to stand behind our Savior and our church when defending marriage between a man and a woman, but we should NOT discriminate or persecute those who are gay or lesbian.  

I can see how our society has slowly but surely become more and more okay with the legalization of gay marriage (obviously) in our country.  As I was reading a church article about the family proclamation, I had the thought come to me that earlier in history, this topic would not even be thought about, and if it was, it would be extremely secret.  Now it is out in the open for all to think about, see, and act upon.  I don't think that we should sit back and let everything happen without saying anything, but again, I never want anyone to feel attacked or hated because of their preferences.  My best friend who is gay has taught me more about love and acceptance, no matter who you are or what choices you've made, than almost anyone else.  I want to be more like that, and defend what I know is right.  

There definitely will be uncomfortable situations as this issue continues in the years to come, but it amazes me the way some people can accept and love others even when they are different or believe differently than they do.  There was a married gay couple in one of my areas on my mission, and when I met them I found out that one of them was an inactive member of the church and the other was not a member of the church. The missionaries had been teaching him and he believed that the gospel was true, and his partner who was a member wanted to be active again as well. They didn't know how to proceed because they still loved each other.  I think a huge factor that played into their warm feelings towards the gospel and the members of the church was due to the people in their ward.  When this couple went to church, they weren't treated disrespectfully and they weren't ignored.  Everyone loved them and accepted them, and while they knew that they individually could not move further in the gospel until they made some changes in their lives, they were still welcomed at church and at every single activity.  It strengthened my testimony to see such love and charity for Heavenly Father's children coming from these ward members, and it helped me to know that it is possible to love as the Savior does even in hard situations.