Leaving Home...

I have always wondered how I would handle leaving my home and getting married.  I have always held the belief that once I am married, I need to cleave unto my husband and none else, just as the scriptures say.  That isn't to say that I will only talk to and spend time with him, but I do think that I will need to manage the time I spend with others, especially my mom.  My mom and I have always been very close, and sometimes I feel bad for not being home more to spend time with her (I know she gets lonely and misses me), but I have realized that I need to be comfortable being my own person and living my own life.  This week's readings helped assure me that I don't need to feel bad for moving ahead with my life and entering the stages of married life soon.  I can still show her my love and support without feeling bad for being physically apart from her sometimes.  

I also really appreciated the counsel about only discussing marital matters between the two of you as spouses.  Information and questions regarding your relationship should be kept within the bounds of your marriage, and I believe that because of this, your marriage will be strengthened as you work through problems together and with the Lord.  If it is needed, of course help can be asked from parents or a counselor, but they should not be approached before the individuals in the marriage work together to find solutions.  

The advice and information about money was also very helpful.  I have always been a little apprehensive about managing my money, especially when I am married.  I am not worried so much about spending too much as I am not knowing how to save the most effectively.  I thought that the studies about family status and how those relationships affect your money management was especially interesting; it just goes to show that the way you are raised and how you develop as a person directly affects almost every aspect of your life later on.  These topics were so important for me to learn more about as I enter the holiday season and begin learning how to manage different families and different financial circumstances.

One

I really enjoyed President Eyring's talk about becoming one, called "That We May Be One".  His words rang true as I read them.  I want to share this quote from his talk:  "Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity".  I love that he says that unity between hearts is necessary.  It's not just nice or something that can happen if we want it to, it is needed in this life and in the life to come.  I am so excited to be able to learn how to be more unified in love with my future spouse and with others around me throughout my life and in the eternities.  

Another quote from this talk made me think says, "Satan would tear us from loved ones and make us miserable. And it is he who plants the seeds of discord in human hearts in the hope that we might be divided and separate".  This quote reminds me of 2 Nephi 4: 26 and 27, which says:

"O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?"

This scripture has always been one of my favorites, because Nephi is frustrated due to his negative feelings.  It reminds me that we can all get upset sometimes, and those feelings of discord come from satan!  Just as soon as we feel closer than ever to our families, something seems to go wrong or something makes us angry.  Satan wants to tear families apart, especially ones that are unified and strong because of the love they have for one another.  But we don't have to let him control our feelings and allow his influence to make us sad - we can rely on the Savior to help us through and change our hearts.  I know that as I remember and do these things in my life, I will be able to be one with my spouse someday.  

Discoveries

The topics of Sexual Intimacy and Purity have always been ones that, until now, I never really knew could be talked about in helpful and informative ways.  I am really grateful that I am able to learn from several different church leaders and reliable sources about sexual intimacy.  It is so wonderful that as God's children, we are able to connect with another person on so many levels.  Heavenly Father is happy when we connect with our spouse emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I am excited for that relationship and for that level of trust within the bonds of a sealed and eternal marriage.  I know it will be a glorious relationship if treated with the reverence and the care that it deserves.  I have learned a lot about emotional fidelity and how we may be relying on others rather than only cleaving to our spouse, which can cause inappropriate relationships and bonds that should really only be reserved for our spouse.  It is really important to me that I be careful when I am married to make sure that I keep the relationship that was intended for my spouse and I between us.  The materials I studied this past week brought new light and meaning to sexual intimacy, and helped me realize that even this topic is okay to discuss with my spouse, just as any other aspect of the relationship.  It will be so helpful for me and my spouse to be able to share openly with one another on this subject when that time comes.

Righteous Desires...

As always, this week's reading material was exactly what I needed.  I loved Gottman's counsel about gridlock and how to overcome that treacherous trap through love and understanding.  I love that he tells us that we need to actually care about our spouse's hopes and dreams.  Even if they are not the same or even similar to your own, that doesn't diminish the fact that they still deeply matter to your spouse.  At my departing interview with my mission president when my mission came to a close, he advised me to ask anyone I was considering marrying two questions.  I was reminded of one of them as I read Gottman's words and as I read the words of the others in our discussion group.  He told me to ask my future husband if he was willing to make my righteous desires his righteous obsessions.  He told me that this is what he did with his wife, and every decision they made, they made together and with humility and care in their hearts.  He tried to help his wife attain her righteous desires in every decision they made together.  I thought that this question was very interesting at the time (I still do), but it makes a little more sense to me now.  I know that I need to marry someone who will care enough to try to understand my hopes and dreams and maybe even attempt to make them his hopes and dreams over time.  Of course I know that he won't be able to be perfect at this, or anything else for that matter, but that's okay.  In another one of my classes, we discussed relationships and how it is crucial that both partners are able to see that they need to improve in some ways and are willing to try to change.  If it is not possible to see the things that you need to work on, then it will not bode well for you marriage.  

As I read Goddard's words about charity, these two quotes stood out to me and I think that they relate to one another:

"Just as our feelings about God are a good measure of our faith, so our feelings about our companions are a reliable gauge to our personal worthiness" and "Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse.  It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other".  These two quotes help me realize that a lot of the time, the faults I find in others stem from my own inadequacies.  I know that everyone is trying to do their best, but sometimes it is easy to forget that.  As I try to become more like Christ and love in the way that He loves, I know that it will be hard, but so joyous when the time comes that I do have a perfect love for others.  I know that marriage will be the most important factor in helping me achieve charity. 

Consecration and Creativity

I really enjoyed some of Goddard's words about the Law of Consecration in his book, "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage".  It made so much sense to me that a marriage is such a transformative way of showing the Lord that we can consecrate ourselves and really sacrifice for someone else.  The following quote really stood out to me and basically sums up what I've learned so far:

"Consecration in marriage is not simply about receiving our entrance card to the Celestial Kingdom.  It's also about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably be living there.  This requires a transformation of character.  In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves"(pg. 105). 

Since I have gone to the Temple, I have realized that there is a lot more to "making it" to the Celestial Kingdom than I thought as I was growing up.  It's not that we scrape by and somehow end up there one day.  As Brad Wilcox put it: "We don't EARN heaven, we LEARN heaven".  This is so true!  As we go throughout our lives here on the earth, we are learning how to become more like our Heavenly Father step by step and day by day.  We don't earn our card into heaven like Goddard states, we learn and grow through experiences and other individuals how to love and become increasingly more humble.

"We are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls"(pg. 98).  

I know that this life is meant for us to learn how to become something greater…to become like Christ and to serve others, and marriage is such an important way to develop the attributes that will help us to feel comfortable in Heavenly Father's presence one day.  

 

Listening and Learning

As I was reading both texts by Goddard and Gottman, I felt the spirit testifying that really listening to one another and being humble enough to yield to each other is so important.  We need to ask more questions and talk a little less.  We have no idea what our spouse may be thinking or feeling, no matter how well or for how long we have known them.  Men and women are naturally different in the way that they communicate and connect with people, and I really enjoyed how Gottman talked about how women get together and automatically find out how their friends are feeling and what's been going on with them, and men simply like to just do things together.  It reminded me of a popular comedian, Brian Regan, who talks about this very thing!  I couldn't find any links where he talks about how he went golfing with his pal for about four hours, and when he came back home, his wife asked him how his pal was doing.  He replied that he was good, and his wife asked how he was doing since his divorce, to which he replied that it hadn't come up.  It's a lot funnier when he talks about it, but that's the gist.  It's so true that men and women relate to one another differently, but there are still many similarities between us that help us strengthen one another.  It definitely takes a lot of repentance and realizing that I'm not always right when faced with different people and situations, and I am so grateful that we have the Atonement to help us and strengthen us until we become the type of people that are easy to forgive others and not always irritated by things that we don't need to be irritated about.  Christ loves us enough to help us in our relationships if we will just turn to Him. 

Coincidence? I Think Not!

I really enjoyed reading from Goddard because of his discussion about how our lives aren't random coincidences.  Ever since I served my mission, I have developed a strong testimony that there are no such things as coincidences when you are on the Lord's errand.  I firmly believe that Heavenly Father leads and guides us to the right experiences with the right people, just as Goddard talked about.  My belief has been strengthened since I've been home from my mission as I have met others that were definitely meant to be in my life.  I am not married yet but I know that God will place someone in my life that I can be happy with for eternity (if He hasn't already done so).  Spouses are so important that I'm sure it's not just random who you end up with, even if you do have differences.  

I have learned so much recently about the purpose of marriage that is helping me to see more clearly why we are supposed to be sealed to someone forever.  It is not just about being in love and blissfully happy, even though I believe that that's possible, it is about loving someone and caring about them enough to turn towards them, work with their weaknesses and annoyances, and help them return to live with our Heavenly Father.  As we do this, we develop the kind of charity that we need to live with God again.  No wonder the highest kingdom of the Celestial Kingdom is meant for couples who have been sealed for eternity!  As we go throughout this life and experience sorrow, adversity, and trials, we learn how to become like our Heavenly Father, all the while sacrificing for our spouse and continuing to love them unconditionally through all of the pain and hardship.  I can't wait to be able to experience the joy of loving someone that much.  

Expectations

I believe that the things I have been learning by the spirit was revelation from God specifically for me in my life right now.  I loved this quote that Goddard mentioned from Tzvetan Todorov: 

"To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one's time and energy for that person.  It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one's efforts, not poorer." 

I absolutely loved this quote and it made perfect sense to me!  I have been struggling this past week in my relationships trying to feel truly happy and fulfilled.  I have been focusing a lot on unrealistic expectations that I have of others and how I think they should be acting towards me, and that just isn't right if I want to be Christ-like and develop His kind of love for others.  Goddard says later that "rather than fill ourselves with indignation and demands, we turn to kindness and respect".  As I was pondering about why I have been feeling unhappy and unsatisfied lately, and as I read these things, it struck me that I need to be humble.  I need to see the good in others and serve them with all of my heart.  As I was reading Gottman's chapters, that revelation was reaffirmed to me, and I am resolved to be less demanding of others and more accepting of their strengths AND weaknesses, and if they care about and love me, that should be enough to satisfy all of my crazy expectations.  I know I won't be perfect at it right away, but I am excited to start trying to change the way I perceive my relationships. 

Contempt, Complaint, Criticism, Confined

I love reading Gottman's research on married couples!  I was glued to his book and really enjoyed reading his findings about why and how married couples argue and have conflict.  As I was reading I could totally relate to the four horsemen based on my parents' relationship and their relationship with me.  I could see instances where they and I myself engaged in criticizing, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.  I had a lot of experiences growing up when I felt flooded by my dad and subsequently I would always stonewall him and my mom as well.  I knew at the time that this probably wasn't the best solution to their words since I knew they were trying to help me, but my family is also very sarcastic, so that didn't help very much either.  I am not trying to blame my parents for anything, but I can see that relationships really do have these issues.  I also admit that I have these issues as well, and I am going to start now to become better at really caring for others in my relationships and trying to understand them.  I loved reading that just "communicating better" won't fix a marriage, even though when I first started reading Gottman's philosophy it was startling to hear that just listening more doesn't help very much.  I can definitely see how having a deep friendship underlying the marriage could really benefit both people in the relationship.  You have to be kind to those you love!

I saw Fireproof several years ago and thought that it was pretty intense, but watching it in the context of Gottman and Goddard's books, it was so interesting to see the physical and emotional stress that conflict causes.  It fascinates me how humans eventually shut down when they are under too much stress.  I saw this in my own life growing up, and sometimes now when I am under a lot of stress.  I love learning about these things because they help me to realize why people in my life act in certain ways, and also why I do certain things as well.  

I just recently started dating my boyfriend pretty seriously, and we are trying to figure out how to help each other and get along with our differences.  I tell him a lot about this class and what it is teaching me, which is such a blessing to our relationship.  It makes it easier for me to explain to him why I may be defensive about certain things and why I may not want to talk about issues because I feel flooded.  He is really patient and understanding, and is always open to suggestions and new ways to help our relationship and me.  I am trying my best to remember the four horsemen in my daily interactions with him and others – not necessarily to avoid them, but to work with them.  I’m not sure if I should avoid them, or if that is possible for me right now, but I am trying my best to remind myself that these behaviors are normal, and that the feelings behind them are valid.  I am so grateful to have learned about this, and I can tell that just being aware of the four horsemen will help me to be more conscientious for the rest of my life.  

Temple Covenants

I always enjoy learning more about the Temple and the covenants we can make there.  I know that the talks I have read are true, and that the principles taught about the Priesthood are correct.  I especially like the point made that the Priesthood can be extended to women.  I love that the sealing covenant binds men and women together for time and all eternity, and that this covenant strengthens individuals and couples when kept.  I think it is so interesting that in the world today, almost anyone can have the "authority" to marry couples.  Anyone can get married and anyone can marry them, but in the gospel of Jesus Christ, couples are sealed by one who has the Priesthood authority of God.  The bond between man and woman made in the Temple can only get stronger as they come closer together and closer to God.  I have felt the power of the Priesthood in my own life being strengthened after receiving my endowment in the  House of the Lord.  I know that those specific covenants and the strength that comes from them is real.  As I was reading the different articles, the thought kept coming to mind that I wouldn't want my future family to operate in any way other than through the gospel.  I want my family to have the Priesthood in our home and the blessings of the Temple to uplift us throughout our lives. 

Feelings about Gay Marriage and Charity

I really enjoyed reading material on defending the sanctity of marriage.  I know that we as members of the church, and as disciples of Christ, need to defend the role of marriage.  One of my best friends is gay and is also a member of the church.  He still believes in and wants to stay in the church, and he is such an amazing example to me.  He has such a strong testimony not only in words, but in who he is.  Anyone can see that he is striving to be better, and that he stands up for what he believes.  I strongly believe that we need to stand behind our Savior and our church when defending marriage between a man and a woman, but we should NOT discriminate or persecute those who are gay or lesbian.  

I can see how our society has slowly but surely become more and more okay with the legalization of gay marriage (obviously) in our country.  As I was reading a church article about the family proclamation, I had the thought come to me that earlier in history, this topic would not even be thought about, and if it was, it would be extremely secret.  Now it is out in the open for all to think about, see, and act upon.  I don't think that we should sit back and let everything happen without saying anything, but again, I never want anyone to feel attacked or hated because of their preferences.  My best friend who is gay has taught me more about love and acceptance, no matter who you are or what choices you've made, than almost anyone else.  I want to be more like that, and defend what I know is right.  

There definitely will be uncomfortable situations as this issue continues in the years to come, but it amazes me the way some people can accept and love others even when they are different or believe differently than they do.  There was a married gay couple in one of my areas on my mission, and when I met them I found out that one of them was an inactive member of the church and the other was not a member of the church. The missionaries had been teaching him and he believed that the gospel was true, and his partner who was a member wanted to be active again as well. They didn't know how to proceed because they still loved each other.  I think a huge factor that played into their warm feelings towards the gospel and the members of the church was due to the people in their ward.  When this couple went to church, they weren't treated disrespectfully and they weren't ignored.  Everyone loved them and accepted them, and while they knew that they individually could not move further in the gospel until they made some changes in their lives, they were still welcomed at church and at every single activity.  It strengthened my testimony to see such love and charity for Heavenly Father's children coming from these ward members, and it helped me to know that it is possible to love as the Savior does even in hard situations.  

Some Thoughts About Divorce and Parenting

I really enjoyed learning about divorce this past week even though it isn't the happiest topic to consider.  Lately divorce has been on my mind quite frequently, and as I watched a video examining a school for children whose parents have been divorced, it struck me how much of an influence parents really do have on their children.  Almost all of those children thought that it was their fault that their parents separated, even if the parents themselves knew it wasn't.  I worry about those children and how impressionable they are.  They may think that they are problems from that young age until late into their lives.  I am taking a class this semester about Parenting, which is also fascinating.  The parenting style that parents adopt and implement has a huge impact on the development and eventual tendencies of their children.  It is so interesting to read about the different factors that affect children and the different outcomes that single-parent families and blended families produce.  Last semester I wrote a research paper on the affect that growing up in a single home has on the success and happiness of the parent, so it is very beneficial and informative to see the child's side of the situation throughout this research.  Usually in both cases, there are more negative and long-term affects than people realize.    

The spirit filled my heart as I read a few talks about divorce and how to handle those challenges in a marriage.  I have a passion for wanting others to feel loved and like they are listened to, so I really loved that it was mentioned that if the marriage can be saved, it should be.  If you truly love someone, you will do all you can to show them, yourself, and the Lord that you want to change and improve.  It brings me so much peace and gratitude to see them caring enough to do something.  I am so glad that the gospel is a gospel of change and improvement.  While divorce may be necessary in some cases, it doesn't have to be the only solution.  If it is necessary, we have the hope of the gospel to help us through.