Contempt, Complaint, Criticism, Confined

I love reading Gottman's research on married couples!  I was glued to his book and really enjoyed reading his findings about why and how married couples argue and have conflict.  As I was reading I could totally relate to the four horsemen based on my parents' relationship and their relationship with me.  I could see instances where they and I myself engaged in criticizing, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.  I had a lot of experiences growing up when I felt flooded by my dad and subsequently I would always stonewall him and my mom as well.  I knew at the time that this probably wasn't the best solution to their words since I knew they were trying to help me, but my family is also very sarcastic, so that didn't help very much either.  I am not trying to blame my parents for anything, but I can see that relationships really do have these issues.  I also admit that I have these issues as well, and I am going to start now to become better at really caring for others in my relationships and trying to understand them.  I loved reading that just "communicating better" won't fix a marriage, even though when I first started reading Gottman's philosophy it was startling to hear that just listening more doesn't help very much.  I can definitely see how having a deep friendship underlying the marriage could really benefit both people in the relationship.  You have to be kind to those you love!

I saw Fireproof several years ago and thought that it was pretty intense, but watching it in the context of Gottman and Goddard's books, it was so interesting to see the physical and emotional stress that conflict causes.  It fascinates me how humans eventually shut down when they are under too much stress.  I saw this in my own life growing up, and sometimes now when I am under a lot of stress.  I love learning about these things because they help me to realize why people in my life act in certain ways, and also why I do certain things as well.  

I just recently started dating my boyfriend pretty seriously, and we are trying to figure out how to help each other and get along with our differences.  I tell him a lot about this class and what it is teaching me, which is such a blessing to our relationship.  It makes it easier for me to explain to him why I may be defensive about certain things and why I may not want to talk about issues because I feel flooded.  He is really patient and understanding, and is always open to suggestions and new ways to help our relationship and me.  I am trying my best to remember the four horsemen in my daily interactions with him and others – not necessarily to avoid them, but to work with them.  I’m not sure if I should avoid them, or if that is possible for me right now, but I am trying my best to remind myself that these behaviors are normal, and that the feelings behind them are valid.  I am so grateful to have learned about this, and I can tell that just being aware of the four horsemen will help me to be more conscientious for the rest of my life.